Friday, May 7, 2010

Seven years and... 

     I don't know what I truly feel for you.  But one thing's for sure, I can't get you out of my mind.  Whenever I hear sad love songs, whenever I stare blankly, whenever I daydream, whenever I watch movies or even TV series that has a romantic or sad love storyline and even before I go to sleep, I think of you. I remember you. I long for you. I want to be with you. And that explains the random texts that you receive from me.  I don't know why you have this big effect on me.  I admit, I cried and I'm still crying because of you.  God knows how hard I've tried and have been trying to finally erase every thought of you in my mind.  But whenever I think I've finally moved on, it's either I'll receive a text from you or worse, I'll see you.  I guess I should just accept the fact that it is impossible for me to forget you. Who am I kidding? We have the same set of friends who we consider as our second family and I'm not going to risk it just so I can forget you. Damn it! It has been seven years and I'm still circling around this emotional roller coaster that's very hard to bear.  Whenever I think of you and those special and very rare moments that we've shared, I have a hard time breathing. It's as if I'm carrying this huge weight on my chest.  It seems as if my chest wants to explode and it's so hard to always feel this. What's even worse is the fact that I'm with someone else who dearly loves me. There's no problem with the relationship that we have now because we were already able to fix things. But I can't stop thinking about you. I'm hurt and I feel guilty at the same time. I don't know why in the world will I still think of you even if I'm already happy and in love with someone else. At this point of our relationship, every girl would much probably be so happy, fulfilled and very much content that she won't wish for anything more but just to have him in her life forever. Other girls might envy the kind of relationship and the kind of man that I'm with but why can't I get you out of my life?  Sometimes I think, why even bother? I don't really know what you feel for me. I don't know if you also think of me in the same way I'm thinking of you. I don't know why you can't fight for me. You always say that I was, I am and I'll always be special to you but why can't you make me see or even feel it? Why do you always have a reason not to fight for me? Why do you always have a reason not to love me? Before, I thought and I even blame time for not letting us be together. I thought that maybe it's not the right time for us to finally be happy together, that we just need to wait a little longer, be more patient for our time will soon come and when it does, we'll be very much happy that we waited this long. But now, I finally realized that it's not the time that I should blame for this. Months ago, I thought that we finally have the time to be in each other's arms, but something happened and turns out that I am wrong. I've realized that we might not be in the same state.  I've realized that time is really not our enemy but it's the reasons that you always have.  I guess that this burden will be forever carried by me.   But I promise that I won't let this burden affect the happiness of the people around me. I promise that I'll still manage to smile, to laugh and to be happy while carrying this burden. I started this entry with a question. A question that I have always been asking myself for the past seven years. A question which I definitely know the answer but I'm just too scared to admit it even to myself.  Now, the real question that I have is Why am I feeling this?

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